I’ve seen this question pop up a lot in parenting groups, on social media, and even in conversations with moms I’ve worked with: “Why are lactation consultants so mean?”
As an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) myself, I can’t help but feel saddened by the reputation that some of us carry. I’ve heard many stories of moms who had terrible experiences—where they felt judged, dismissed, or even scolded. And I get it. No one should ever feel that way, especially during one of the most vulnerable and emotional times.
But I’m here to tell you that not all lactation consultants are mean.
The Reputation
Let’s be real. The reputation is out there, and it’s not entirely unfounded. For years, the image of the “mean lactation consultant” has loomed large, and in some cases, people’s experiences have backed up that stereotype. Some consultants have approached breastfeeding support with a one-size-fits-all mentality, expecting every mom to follow strict guidelines or pushing breastfeeding as the only “right” way. It can be very offputting!
In those moments, the compassion that should have been present got lost. Instead of feeling supported, moms sometimes felt like they were failing because they weren’t meeting the expectations set by the person who was supposed to help them.
But here’s the thing: things have changed.
Lactation Consultants Aren’t All the Same
I can’t speak for every lactation consultant, but I can speak from my own experience as an IBCLC. Over the years, I’ve learned that successful breastfeeding support isn’t about forcing a certain outcome. It’s about meeting each mom where she is. It’s about working with her goals, not my own.
Yes, many IBCLCs (myself included) are passionate about breastfeeding and believe in its benefits. But more and more of us also realize that support is about the mom’s comfort and well-being, not just getting a perfect latch. I often say, “Being an IBCLC is about breastfeeding, but really, it’s a lot more than just breastfeeding.”
I’ve met countless IBCLCs who are empathetic, patient, and kind—consultants who genuinely care about the mom’s feelings. We’re not just here to tell you what you should do. We’re here to walk with you on your journey, whatever that looks like. I personally spend a lot of time learning about a wide range of topics so I can support families no matter what their feeding journey looks like.
What Has Changed?
In recent years, there’s been a real shift in how lactation consultants approach their work. Many of us have started to focus more on compassionate care—understanding that every family is unique, and there’s no one “right” way to feed a baby. Whether exclusively breastfeeding, combo feeding, or even formula feeding, our job is to support you and your choices.
In a lot of my continuing education, we’re taught to listen more and judge less, to be aware of how our words and actions can impact a mom’s mental health, and to support her emotionally, not just physically.
There’s also more emphasis on continuing education for IBCLCs. Breastfeeding is complicated, and as we learn more, it’s becoming clearer that the old “tough love” approach isn’t practical or helpful. The best way to support a mom is to empower her, not pressure her.
And at the end of the day, some people just have personalities that might come across more harsh or strict. This can be hard for some moms to handle (myself included), and while they arent intending to be this way, it may not be the right approach for you. Some moms appreciate a tough-love approach, and I do think that there are IBCLCs that are just better fits. I’m sure I am not for everyone, either!
If You’ve Had a Bad Experience
I want to speak to the moms who might have had a bad experience with a lactation consultant. First, I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’ve heard stories of IBCLCs who were harsh, dismissive, or made moms feel small when they should have been offering a helping hand. That’s not how anyone should feel after seeking support.
But if that’s been your experience, I urge you not to write off all lactation consultants. Like in any profession, some might not approach things in the best way. But there are also so many of us who deeply care about the moms we work with and want to make a positive difference.
Finding the right lactation consultant can make a world of difference. If you felt judged or unsupported by one, it’s worth seeking out someone else who makes you feel heard, respected, and cared for. You deserve that kind of support, especially during the vulnerable postpartum period.
How to Find the Right IBCLC for You
If you’re on the hunt for a lactation consultant, here are a few tips to help you find one that feels like a good fit:
- Ask for Recommendations: Word of mouth can be a powerful tool. Ask friends, family, or online groups if they’ve had a positive experience with a particular IBCLC.
- Read Reviews: Look for lactation consultants with reviews about kindness, patience, and flexibility. These qualities are just as important as technical expertise.
- Have a Pre-Consultation Chat: Many IBCLCs are happy to chat with you briefly before you commit to a consult. Ask them how they approach common challenges and see if their style aligns with what you’re looking for. If you have a more unique situation, ask questions to make sure they are skilled in that area.
- Trust Your Gut: If you don’t feel comfortable with the consultant during your first meeting, it’s okay to look for someone else. This is your journey, and you should feel supported every step of the way.
Conclusion
As an IBCLC, I find it frustrating that our profession has earned a reputation for being “mean,” but I believe that’s changing. Many of us are working hard to create a culture of compassion and support in the world of lactation.
If you’ve had a negative experience with a lactation consultant, I hope you’ll give another one a chance. The right support can make all the difference in your breastfeeding journey. We’re not all the same, and plenty of IBCLCs out there truly want to help you succeed, whatever that looks like for you. You deserve nothing less.
My team would love to help you through every stage of breastfeeding. We offer virtual consultations worldwide and in-person visits in the Denver Metro area. Click here to learn more and feel free to reach out if you want to see if we’d be a good fit for you!
